Anxiety, eustress, and ultrasounds: the psychology of my pregnancy.

Okay, so the scary shortness of breath episode, I am chalking up to anxiety, probably a full blown panic attack. Not sure of the source, though I lean toward it being a combination of eustress and distress. My GP is still running blood work to make sure all of my organs are working and whatnot, and I have gone ahead and made an appointment with a psychologist for good measure. On the up side, I have not had another episode since that first time, which is another clue that makes me think it was a panic attack. My GP agrees that with my hormones all ramped up that my sympathetic nervous system could easily kick over into that mode because it is a familiar place for it to be, but she is erring on the side of caution, thus the tests.

We received the results from the quad-screen blood work from the OB, which came back negative, so looks like no Down's Syndrome or neural tube defects. Go fetus!

In other news, we have company arriving tomorrow! My mom and dad get in early in the morning. I am very excited to share this whole thing with them in person! We are planning on shopping for maternity clothes and baby stuff while they are here as well as doing some nature walks.

We also get to try and find out the sex of the parasite on Thursday!! I will only be 17 weeks, so they warned me that we might not get a good enough picture yet, but we are keeping our fingers crossed. Oooh, and everyone gets to go, my husband, mom, and dad, how much fun is that?!

We aren't leaning one way or the other, but everyone I talk to tells me I am having a girl. Ex. "Oh you have been really sick, it will be a girl" or "You are already showing, it is a girl." or "Mars is in retrograde, it will be a girl." However the Chinese calendar prediction is a boy (that goes my month conceived and mom's age at conception). I have heard that boys are easier, less drama than girls, but I would like to be able to name my daughter after my mom. So I am on the fence. Grandpa Phil wants a girl because they are so sweet, but the caveat is that she has to be athletic. Grandma Karla wants a girl because she will get her name. Grandpa Marc wants a girl because he remembers how much fun his nieces were. I think that Grandma Darlene is subliminally hoping for a girl if the fuchsia stuffed bear she sent the baby is any indication :) And lastly Grandpa John is hoping for a boy, I think would like to see what a male of his bloodline would look like.

Really I am just looking forward to not calling the monster "it" anymore :) That is my driving force behind finding out the sex. It is interesting how many people sound disappointed when I tell them that we are finding out and aren't waiting to be surprised. But we figured, the technology is there, why not? Besides we are not notoriously patient people. I also think that this will help it "get real" for my husband who has been dragging his feet about getting stuff done for the baby, like cleaning all of the storage stuff out of the baby's room so we can start setting it up.

Lastly, I think I have finally traded in nausea for headaches. Yes! Score. Headaches I can work through. I still haven't gained any weight, maybe a couple of pounds and have only grown an inch in my waist and hips, but you can tell this belly has a grander purpose, or so my husband tells me.

Wish us luck on a good ultrasound position!

Worried? Me? Nah...Oh that, just a nose bleed, no connection.

This is less about my pregnancy and more about bitching for a moment. I know that I should treasure my sleep while I can and that sleeping past seven am is a luxury I will soon not be afforded, however I still don't think that makes it okay for my neighbors across the street to start weed whacking at 6:50 am! WTF. Rude. Not to mention the 8-8 quiet hours in the HOA rules. Inconsiderate! 

In other news I am having some spells of being short of breath and my vision getting fuzzy. I went to my GP for this problem and she sent me for a CT scan of my chest because she was worried that I might have a pulmonary embolism or pneumonia. The scan came out clean, so she felt that the problem was probably more psychological, i.e. panic attacks. I am inclined to agree with her, however, I don't feel like they come on at the right time to be panic attacks. For example I am not dwelling on the unimaginable horrors that could befall my newly forming family, I am not catastrophizing scenarios that leave either Josh or I alone with a newborn to raise on our own...okay so now I might be thinking about those things, but hey, no shortness of breath.

Anyway, you get my drift. So the GP asked me to take Ativan to see if that helped the symptoms. However, after consulting with my pharmacist sister, who informed me that Ativan, along with all anxiety medications, is a Class D pregnancy drug, meaning it has been shown to cause birth defects in humans especially in the first trimester and at high doses. Now while I am out of my first trimester and was not prescribed a high dose, I am still leery of taking it. I discussed this with my GP and she agreed and felt that we should do some blood work to check all of my organ functions and whatnot (ex. cholesterol, liver function, thyroid function, and the like) and if that comes back clean and I am still having "episodes" she wants to do an echo-cardiogram. Whew.

Personally I think this might be getting blown out of proportion due to the fact that I am pregnant. I do have a history of anxiety and I do have a tendency to somatize stress, in other words I push the stress away from my emotions and conscious though and channel it into my physiological being. So I never really feel that stressed out but I end up with odd physical symptoms that are not traceable to anything. Yeah, isn't psychology fun!

I will keep you all posted on how this unfolds, but I am probably just stressing out so no worries. In lighter news, I am no longer able to button my size 10 jeans and really shouldn't be trying to get into them in the first place. It pains me, no literally, it hurts ;)- I am running out of pants to wear. I need my mom to hurry up and get here already so that we can go maternity shopping! Which I refuse to do by myself and will not make my husband go do, not because he wouldn't, but because he is not super fun to shop with and this shopping for over-sized tents needs to be super fun.

Whither Thou Sleepest, Thou Will Not be in Danger of Smothering.

Well, not much happening on the preggo front. We had a doc appointment last week and I heard the heart beat, which was awesome. I got so inspired that I tried to hear it again with my baby doppler at home, but to no avail. I am hoping I just suck at sonar and it's not the device itself.

Still struggling with the clothes thing. I am definitely not fitting into my size 10 jeans at all. Well, I can fit them, but there is no way to zip or button them. I did find a cool pregnancy accessory, it is a Be-Band. It is a stretchy band of fabric that goes over your pants to about your hips and up over the belly, it holds your pre-pregnancy pants up while you are still refusing to buy maternity pants. Works great, plus it fills in the space between your pre-pregnancy shirts that are too short and your pants, making it look like you have a long undershirt on. Lifesaver!

I am into the first week of my second trimester! The nausea has changed from sick for no reason to sick because I am famished and could eat a small village. This is especially bad in the morning after not having eaten all night. I know people keep telling me to leave something to eat on my nightstand, but I just can't bring myself to want to eat during the night or before I get up. I am also getting sick of eating. Enough already! I am so tired of going to the kitchen and having to find something that sounds good and make it. Ugh. Also the semi-constant upset stomach and heartburn are wearing thin. I am hoping that this second trimester kicks into full gear and this ebbs for awhile.

I am trying out a prenatal pilates class this evening. It is at the hospital. I am hoping this will be a place to start building my preggie friends group. I am a little disappointed that most of the pregnancy classes and such are geared for working moms, and start in the evening. I am so tired by that time, but I am determined to get out of the house and meet people and get into shape, so I am biting the bullet on this one.

The kid received it's first gift last week. It is from Grandma Karla and Grandpa Phil. The gift is a co-sleeper that converts into a bassinet and a playpen; or excuse me, a "play yard" because apparently we don't put babies in "pens" anymore. Who decides this stuff? Anyway it is very cool and I can't wait to have a munchkin to throw in it!

Fashion Twilight Zone

Just one question, ladies. Why do the designers of maternity wear think that because you are carrying life, that all of your pants MUST be crops or capris? Who decided that mommy = floods?  I am tempted to go the skirt route to avoid this particular indignity. Another side note, Why did I have to wait to become preggo after the eighties came back in style. GROSS!

So with my twelfth week almost over my belly is starting to pooch out. I find myself rubbing it like it is a Buddha for good luck. The crappy part is that it is just pooching out, no distinct OMG she's pregnant look yet. Just a little fatter. Unless of course I smooth my shirt over my uterus and then you might say that you can see the roundness starting there, but I would just think that you were being nice. My grandmother seems to think that by telling me that my belly is just too big not to be due to the kid will make me feel better about it. But then again her mom used to tell me what a big girl I was. So maybe there is some genetic component there that lacks tact as well as the common courtesy to lie when your granddaughter is obviously distraught over looking fatter but not pregnant. The really weird thing is that I have lost two more pounds, despite what I see in the mirror. I guess that layer of blubber might just be melting away after all.

I did my first prenatal yoga tape! Loved it! But realized that my old yoga clothes look more than a little ridiculous (I ended up taking the shirt off, as it kept sliding up over my stomach). But my wonderful husband immediately told me to go get some maternity yoga gear when I called him to complain. Yeah! Shopping!

My size 10 pants that I was so stoked to buy just a few short weeks ago (actually the day before I found out I was pregnant) are torture devices now. Luckily I have some fat pants in my closet and will be able to use those for another month or so.

One last note, Mother's Day cards. When did they become so poignant?

To Pee or Not to Pee...Oh Who Am I Kidding.

Hmmmm. I am into week 12 and the books say the critter is about the size of a small plum, maybe a little over two inches. No butterfly wings in my stomach yet, just nausea and light cramping, yes! I will be so ecstatic when I can feel the little one and this is no longer just the flu that won't end. Though I am not showing yet my preexisting belly fat is definitely getting pushed forward, making me look bloated and pudgy, gross. I can no longer zip some of my pants up when they are straight out of the dryer, I kind of have to rubber band the button and zip them up a little more each time I pee. Speaking of peeing, I swear I went at least fifteen times yesterday. Is that normal? In the evening if I watch an hour long show I am peeing every commercial break, that can't be right can it? The saving grace is that I am staying at my mom's house in AZ with my grandma and there are no stairs to contend with for the time being. Seriously going to get a honey pot for my downstairs laundry room when I get back home (no bathroom on the main floor of my house, for those of you just joining the conversation).

 I had my first miscarriage dream. It was horrible. I dreamed that I went to go pee in the middle of the night and was a bloody mess from the waist down, I panicked and woke my husband up yelling. Freaking scary dude. In real life everything seems to be going according to plan. Nothing to report. I don't have another appointment until May 12th, the day after I get back from AZ.

I went ahead and got myself some prenatal yoga tapes, haven't tried them yet though. I have been too exhausted with getting my grandma to doctor's appointments and whatnot. But I am determined to start them soon. I am not too worried about forcing myself to do them while I am still so nauseous and tired, but that second trimester reprieve, you just watch out! I hope this sickness lets up and allows me to start enjoying this special time, not to mention getting this bod into better shape.

I fear that I am turning into my pregnant mom...I find that in the afternoons I can stave off nausea by keeping a steady influx of food going into my mouth, lol. I have been keeping an eye on it and only eating healthy snacks. I haven't craved any junk food yet (in fact processed foods are turning my stomach), but fresh fruit and salads are tasting great. My one vice is giant bowls of buttered egg noodles, mmmmmmmm.

Oh! The plane ride here was a special kind of torture. There were no air vents next to the reading lights! What in the blue blazes was that about, it's not like they weren't working, they just weren't there. And the turbulence coming out of Denver and landing in Phoenix was awful. I fully expected to vomit. The two guys sitting on either side of me were very nice and were helping fan me by the end of the flight. Oddly the next leg in the small turbo-prop plane was easy as pie. Go figure.

The kid's first visitors!

Today we get our first official pregnancy visit, my husband's dad and grandpa are arriving today! I am psyched to have people in the flesh to talk to and share with. As I have said before, it is a little lonely for me right now. I am working on fixing that though, next weekend I am going to give the scooter a tune up and hopefully start going to the Brighton Rec Center for swim classes, maybe I will meet some other moms-to-be there. We are also trying to figure out how to get a second vehicle, I know it is not a necessity right now, but will become so with a newborn in the house (plus I just gotta have wheels).

I received the results of my first round of blood tests, all is well. No chromosomal anomalies, yes! We have decided not to do the CVS testing and extended blood-work that is becoming fashionable right now, but stick to the basics (besides, that CVS testing has a higher risk of miscarriage than the than the rate of the diseases it tests for, stupid). We have no risk for anything they test for and no family history, so we figured why bother. It's not like we would terminate the pregnancy if we found out something was wrong with the kid. So we will let them do their routine tests and just keep riding the warm fuzzies that are telling us everything is perfectly fine and we will have a normal kid (no gills or beaks). 

On the hilarious side, my husband is experiencing full-on Couvade Syndrome. This means he is exhibiting pregnancy symptoms right along with me :) Most noticeably is the decrease in aggression, not that he is aggressive, but take driving as an example: usually when I am riding shotgun I am cringing and stomping the invisible passenger brake and grabbing the "Oh Shit" handle fairly often (I think this stems from my few car accidents more than his driving, which can be a tad more offensive when compared to my defensive style), but now when I drive he is the one squealing, worrying, telling me to watch out and basically spazzing out in the passenger seat. I love the role reversal. He has also been complaining about feeling bloated and not having any appetite. And the most hilarious symptom, which he will probably kill me for sharing, his loss of sex drive, lol! He says it just seems like a lot of work right now. This cracks me up!

Couvade Syndrome is most prominent in husbands who spend a significant amount of time with their wives, and since we are best buds, we hang out all the time when he is not at work, so it is no wonder he is feeling the effects of "our" pregnancy. My pregnancy books say that Couvade Syndrome is caused by a 1/3 decrease in testosterone and increases in prolactin (lactation stimulant and sedative), cortisol (helps recover from stress, soothing), and estradiol (female sex hormone).

So, ladies, any fun stories about your hubbies pregnancy symptoms? Do tell.

Update on the munchkin and its incubator.

Not much to report this weekend. I am doing better. It seems the nausea is retreating to the am, but it also seems to be starting before I wake up which is kind of lame. However, I feel pregnant instead of just sick which is sweet.

I want to thank all of the grandparents for their support and excitement. As I said before I think they are more jazzed than we are, if that is possible. I think that is because they already know the layers emotion and experiences while we get to be surprised by each new one.

My energy is increasing, I have been able to resume and start some of the house projects that I abruptly ceased with the onset of the sickness. Not much else to report, I do have a feeling that this blog will slow down now that I am settling into being preggers. But keep checking in with me, I will post any new developments and whatnot :)